Sunday, September 9, 2012

Just Chillin'

So, this Saturday my parents and I went to the Hillbilly Chili Cook Off. My dad maintains that he makes the best chili ever, and wanted to check out what was going on.  I am not a chili fan - but I wanted to see hillbillies.  Mom told me THERE WILL NOT BE ANY HILLBILLIES THERE!  I told her, if I didn't see a hillbilly then the whole thing was a farce, a bait and switch to get my money, and I would DEMAND my three buck entrance fee back.  After that, she still let me their camera. Wanna join us? 




There were tons of volunteer and charity organizations there.  These doggie treats were being sold for $2 a bag by an organization that wants to make sure that every doggie citizen gets rabies and parvo vaccinations no matter the economic circumstances of  his or her owner.  Of course, Dash got a bag. 


This is a taxi.  I bet you knew that.  


And there were crafty things everywhere. The quilting guild was there as were The Dam Knitters, the knitting guild.  I like to think the two guilds begin each meeting plotting the others demise.  Cross stitchers are solitary, and there is no stitchers guild.  Oh, see the lady in the Hawaiian print hoodie? The one with the very stylish purse? Mom. 


Nuns love Lemonade and Funnel Cake! Who doesn't? 


Two boys that will be entering the cutest dog contest.  Dash was not present so could not win, because let's be honest he can't be trusted around chili. 


I did not know there was a International Chili Society. 




This is my favorite picture of the day. According to my Dad, their chili sucked, it was way to sweet, but I gave them my vote anyway  - because girls, and the one boy that is stuck  hanging out with them, DO rock! 

So did I see any hill people,  well not the kind I imagined, but I had a great time. So I got my $3.00 worth so I didn't stage a protest and the entrance. Plus, Officer Dave was there, and I don't want to get a reputation with the local constable. 




In other news, Saturday was just not enough family fun time. Tonight we  went to have dinner with the 'rents. Dash was especially excited as there was talk of German Sausages  ( not brats )  being cooked over an open fire.  You know he is always down for that rustic  country stuff.  He rant into the house said hello to his Opa, searched for his Oma, figured out she was outside, and at top speed ran through the screen door. 

To their credit, my parents were not concerned about the door, just Dash who was perfectly fine and not phased at all by the experience, the corner of the screen is ripped, and currently there is a perfect Dash sized  fully functioning doggie door.  

Friday, August 17, 2012

Stay on the road, keep clear of the moors..

I am loving my life in the wilderness.  We have a routine, in the morning Dash and I  (because you know we do everything together) go out in our pj's, we check the water  in the birdbath, we check the feeder, we throw something out for the deer, as well as our turtle. If the animals started helping me clean house or sewing me a dress, I wouldn't be completely surprised. It's all very Disney.

But, because there is always a but isn't there? Like the stories that Disney bases a lot of it's stories on, there is a dark side. A very dark side -- and I mean that literally. At night it is pitch black here, and while it makes for amazing star gazing, it's a little jarring sometimes.

Last night Dash and I went out for his last "business meeting" of the day. And I hear a howl. A howl that sounds exactly like the howl in American Werewolf In London.  ( instant view on  Netflix - the first howl happens at 13 minutes, way before anyone's face gets ripped off, in case you want to hear it... and trust me it was EXACTLY like that, I compared. And by the way, the 2nd chess player in The Slaughtered Lamb is none other then Rik Mayall from The Young Ones, which I loved!)   Now, I'm a right thinking girl, I  KNOW that it's the dog across the street, he's a bigger dog and everything here  echoes.

But inside I think, "Ah, shit David, what is that?"

I hear the howl again, and there is a crunch in the woods.  Dash's tail  goes straight up, and we hear the howl a third time.  I immediately look around for Griffin Dunne, because if someone is going down in a werewolf attack , it's not going to be me.  I gather up Dash,  we go inside and I stare out the sliding glass door, wondering if it could hold back this:


I think I  relived every horror movie  I had ever seen, and you know I have seen a lot of them.

You would think that my night of fright would have taught me a lesson.  NOPE! Guess who watched a delightful little horror movie called The Seamstress today.  Oh come, on!  If you did cross stitch and it was on, you would have watched it too.  It had Lance Henriksen in it, so you know it had a real Pumpkinhead feel to it.  There was lots and lots of wilderness.

So tonight, when Dash and I go out so he can conduct his last business meeting, I am sure I will hear a twig snap, or something running in the woods, I'll be thinking The Seamstress, Pumpkinhead, Michael Meyers, Freddie Krueger,  Jason Voorhees are out there - and I'm pretty sure they'll be able to get in... and I haven't even stopped to consider zombies.

By the way, An American Werewolf In London, totally holds up. I watched that this afternoon  too.


Sunday, August 12, 2012

Blood Sport

As some of you may or may not know, I live in the heart of the Ozarks, and it's a sportsman's paradise.  Outside Magazine and Field and Stream always have my home ranked as one of the top fishing areas in the country as well as for other outdoor sports.  Having said all of that, while I did enjoy the occasional day out with the rod and reel when I was a kid,  I don't fish, trap, or  hunt in the conventional sense, but that doesn't mean I'm not a sportsman.  I hunt a different kinda game and I learned it all from my mom.  I'm talking garage sales.  That's right, Mom and I hunt big game.

Honestly, I'm a just learning,  Mom is a pro. She gets the paper, she makes a map, she's familiar with the neighborhoods and territories, we have a plan, she packs water and occasionally a lunch and we stop at the liquor store on the way home.

My favorites are estate sales ( Mom is on the mailing lists of several companies that host them ) Not only do you get to tour an occasional hoarder house, ( seriously, I have seen an entire closet stuffed with Cling -Wrap - twenty five cents a roll by the way.) it's interesting to see someone else's  possessions all together, you get a sense of who they were - and I try to think of them not being dead.

Here's the deal with my Mom. Her hobbies include knitting, gardening and sniping.  When I got here I really needed kitchen stuff, and it was my Mother's goal to get me set up in the kitchen so I could cook healthier meals. Her friend Martha was moving, we went to her house to check things out, and Mom was supposed to tell Martha  that her friend Becky wanted a specific lamp. Guess what?  Mom liked that lamp to - so she bought it for herself.  Yeah,  she's pretty cut throat and apparently has a reputation. Becky wasn't surprised to hear she got sniped and luckily found another lap.

Mom is also a good negotiator. How else would I get all this:



for $20. Yeah, quite the steal. However, as nice as my casserole dishes, pots, and mixing bowls are,there was something I fell in love with, a carved wooden rocking horse from Morocco.


These pictures  do not do the horse justice. It was $20, and I had the cash - but honestly, what am I going to do with a carved wooden rocking horse from Morocco?  I have other places that I have to put my money towards. But how I loved this horse.


I would leave it, come back, leave it, come back - over and over again ... because I really wanted to get him. Foolishly,  I called my mother over and showed her she was not impressed.  "yeah, it's nice." Her tone implied that it was not nice at all  "but you don't need that." And she walked away.  Part of my mom's charm is that she speaks the truth. I did not need a carved wooden rocking horse from Morocco, so I packed up and  put my new kitchen stuffs in the car. 

When I came back in my mom says "do you have ten dollars? I'm a little short."  Of course, I'm going to help my mother. She snatched that cash out of my hand at lightning speed and said "I'm buying that horse you like!" 

Becky actually gasped.  It was, GASP! "I can't believe you are doing that to your daughter!"  

Mom cackled. It was an actual cackle. Witchery runs in the family, and a certain someone was rather pleased with herself.  "Well, I looked at it again, and it really is gorgeous.  I love the colors, and you don't need it - and I do." 

She totally sniped me! HER OWN DAUGHTER, wait,  HER ONLY CHILD!  AND SHE WAS PROUD!  She packed up my carved wooden rocking horse from Morocco and laughed the entire  ride home. I'd give her some side eye and she just laughed harder.


She is the master and maybe now you know where I get it from.






PS.  Guess what I got for my birthday?  I'll give you a hint - it's carved, wooden and it's from Morocco.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I lurve turtles


I do like me some reptiles and amphibians.  I just didn't expect that they'd be crawling in my yard.  Two nights ago we had a frog encounter  ( yes I kissed  but I swear  NO TONGUE.  I don't care what that damn frog says! )  And today, there is a turtle out there.  

I am a little concerned.  The drought is affecting the animals here, and I am concerned this little dude is not getting enough food, so I put some lettuce out there for him. Maybe he will remember and I can put some more out there.  


Hey little dude, what happened to your shell? 


I wish you could here him crunching on the leaves. 

I an fighting with my inner five year old who wants to keep him as a pet. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

and now a word from ...


Dear Friends, 

It took awhile but I got the girl to give me control, at least for a moment of her blog. You know how she is about these things, she hates sharing it - and the same goes for pork chops, just try and get one of those when she's around. 

When I was told we were leaving and moving to the country, I thought I was going to be a dog of leisure.  I pictured a life of basking in the sunshine, strolling our estate etc ... Well let me tell you, that is NOT happening.  I am not a dog of gentility, I am a WORKING man. 

First,  there are the things that just stroll into our yard just as big as you please. The tramp through the yard, they "conduct their business"  in the yard, and just mess up the place. Of course the girl encourages all of this! She feeds them! She puts 2 jugs of water in each of our birdbaths every night, so "our bird friends and deer friends can drink."  It's like she doesn't see the blue jays attacking me EVERY TIME we go out.  I do my best to gather up the food she leaves out for the "deer", but she always catches me. Doesn't she see me marking  every place they go? It's a warning that she and they ignore. 

Then there is the thing she calls the 'armadillo' . He comes out at night. He digs holes in my yard, I've seen him out there, he's been out when we've been out for our late night stuff ... he is slow. I could catch him and I do my best to try, but you know who pulls my leash and says "NO!! THEY HAVE LEPROSY!'  I'm not really sure what that means, but if "crazy" has anything to do with it, well let me tell you something lady, it's catching. 

The girl will tell you I sleep harder now ... because I am working my ass off!  I am dodging "blue jays"  trying to keep "deer" of the property, hunting "armadillos"  and I won't even mention the turkey vulture and that other big bird that think it's a-okay to come on my property ... and did I mention squirrels?  Since the house is bigger my nightly patrols are a little longer, and I swear every once in awhile I see a strange, but very handsome dog in what she calls a "mirror" He needs to get out of my house!  So yeah, I sleep more. 

I also bark more, because there is a lot to bark about. I like to alert her when something is going on in the yard, and since she is "cooking" now, I feel that I need to comment, even though she ignores me. Come on, what was with that cauliflower pizza  experiment, that was never going to work.  My warnings feel on deaf ears.  And sometimes I need to say a few things to my Oma too.     We go over there for dinners on Sundays, and she always gives me some lecture about how I shouldn't  jump up on her pants, because they are new, my paws are dirty ... blah blah blah ... finally I just said, "I'm jumping up on you to give you some doggie sugar! Geesh woman, let's get this over with?"  She started to laugh, like I had never said anything to her before - and then remember I hadn't. So I said a few more things... like could she give me some ham, because  the girl again ... not big on sharing pork products. 

All in all, and please don't tell the girl this, I really like it here. I have things to do, I like taking care of the property.  I love seeing my Opa and Oma - and the girl seems a lot happier too - that makes me happy too. 

I'll fill you in on more later ... 

Yours truly,

Little Man 










Friday, July 13, 2012

Photo Friday - Countryside


The countryside just happens to be in my backyard - I told you there was a wild peacock.  Check out more Photo Friday!

Arkansas M and the Kitchen of Doom

Want to know what else is a new thing  that's happening here? 

I AM COOKING! 

I KNOW!  I can't believe it either! 

Since I am on the weight thing, I've decided to try healthier meals, and things have been... interesting.  So I decided to take a few pictures of my last creation.  Cauliflower pizza.  And you know what? How open minded am I ? I don't like cauliflower, but I think if combined with the right ingredients I will like it. Here I come Cauliflower Pizza Bites... 

My ingredients 

2 cups grated cauliflower
1/2 cup egg substitute
1 cup 1% cottage cheese 
oregano
parsley
garlic salt
black pepper
turkey pepperoni 



So you know shredding cauliflower, not so easy ... and your going to do the whole head of cauliflower. 



Then you have to fry up the cauliflower till it's translucent.  Beware it kinda smells. 



Take all the other ingredients and through them in the blender! And yes, that is a NEW blender. Please ignore the speakers in the back, I was listening to my itunes on the computer. One can dance and cook at the same time. 



Liquify that stuff ... and by the way, I am not a fan of cottage cheese either. But, this is new stuff - and combined it will be good. It's just a healthy pizza alternative, and I do love pizza 



Then you just put it in your cupcake tin and add that turkey pepperoni. Bake at 450 - for about 30 minutes  and  TA DAH!!! 


Cauliflower Pizza ! 


And you know what?  Cauliflower and cottage cheese? I wasn't making that shit up, I don't like them.  They taste worse blended together.  I spent an hour doing all this, taking pictures because I was going to brag about myself and all I got was YUCK. 

However, I'm living with no regrets, I tried something healthy and it didn't work out - it will next time.  I just have to avoid cauliflower.  The deer liked it, Dash was happy to have a turkey pepperoni treat and I learned sometimes you just have to go with Pizza Hut. 











Monday, July 2, 2012

Adventures in Nature

My Mom was telling me a story  the other day. It seems that while she was was on a walk by my house BEFORE I moved  and she saw a bush shaking and deafening moans and groans. She moved closer, ( oh like you wouldn't...) and she said it was a group of black birds doing it.  When she got home and told my Dad, he didn't believe her and actually did a bit of research on line. As stories go it was a good one.  In her telling she was able to focus to weave three of her favorite tropes,  the importance of exercise, the wildlife that I will experience here, and the "he never believes a thing I'm telling him" into one story. 

And I told you that to tell you this.  I am experiencing all sorts of wildlife here. There is an owl in the back forest at night and while I've never seen him I have heard him.  Which makes  today encounter with nature interesting.  I was outside with Dash,  and I heard this big WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH.  My first thought was the same of yours ... SQUIRRELZILLA!  Wait, does Squirrelzilla have wings ... because I hear a huge rustle and the whooshes again.  Immediately I thought of my owl, and from the sounds of it, it was huge. I started to consider  taking dash in right away. I look up ... and it is no owl.  It's a TURKEY VULTURE.

Quick! Name a girl who loves Turkey Vultures more than me.  That's right, you can't. There we were, starring at each other. He was sitting up in the tree looking down on us, and while Dash was looking up surely thinking "Dear God, that thing is hideous!" I was delighted.  Once again, I cursed my lack of camera,  then I remembered cell phone!  IN MY POCKET!   At the same time, Turkey Vulture said "Not today, girl and her little dog."  And he soared away.  So instead of  a Turkey Vulture in my backyard, you get a picture of the tree he was in. 




In case you haven't seen a turkey vulture - here ya go ... 


They are AWESOME! 


My Mom comes over with some peaches. Oh don't think she was just being sweet,  yes I appreciate the peaches, but have no doubt that she was really there to check my pantry and fridge to make sure I don't have soda in the house, which I also appreciate.  I was still giddy with delight  from my sighting so I told my Mom all about it, expecting her to roll her eyes and tell me I was a doof.  Instead, she was smiling and nodding her head. 

"Now you know why I was so freaked out when I saw a group of them doing it in that bush." 

So, who loves turkey Vultures more than me? How about the lady that spent an afternoon watching them have group sex?  Peeping Mom. 


Friday, June 29, 2012

Photo Friday - Dog


Apparently I am the kiss of death with cameras, mine is broke again. So until my birthday, we are cellin' it.  This is you know who about an hour after our walk . He's had a change it attitude since we moved here,  that entry's coming up. 

I know you all like dogs, so check our photo friday for more doggie goodness. 


Saturday, June 23, 2012

RISU!

So in true Snow White fashion,  I'm trying to be a good neighbor to my animal neighbors.  I went on line and went to check what was best to feed the deer.   ( they love apples and watermelon rinds) I keep the bird bath filled.  And while all the animals might not appreciated  my failed tuna casserole attempt,  I know the armadillos did. 

I felt that I was neglecting the birds, and as we know Snow white would have never done that, at least not the Disney version, so I bought the cutest little bird feeder and some bird seed, and I set it up all secure in the tree that I see  the cardinals hanging out in.  I went to bed please in the knowledge  that I had done my best to help the cardinals, and the robins.  We have a blue jay in the front yard.  We don't  like him though. He does not believe in "love thy neighbor"  . He is constantly swooping down on us, and screaming at us.  No bird seed for blue jay! 

Anyway, I thought  you'd like to see my pretty little bird feeder, so this morning I went out into  the back yard to take a picture. This is what I found 


WTF?  Not only was it knocked out of the tree, but it was BROKEN. 

BROKEN!!! 

Seriously, it was ripped apart! 


It makes me wonder what kind of beast lives in the forest behind me. What kind of abomination haunts the woods? Is it him that I hear shrieking in the night? 

There can be only one answer....

SQUIRRELZILLA! 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

New Adventures everywhere

There are are a lot of new and interesting things here in Arkansas, at least new and interesting to me, and I feel a little like Caddie Woodlawn  - always in search of another adventure. 

I'm doing things I have never done before, like feed the deer. There is a doe that brings her two fawns by the house almost every day. I can watch them out my window, and I help her out a little. Hey, I was raised by a single Mom, I know how tough it is out there.  I leave her watermelon rinds, cut up apples, carrots and veggie leftovers. Eating right is important, that's a lesson I'm learning.  I've been trying a few healthier meals myself. 

Ladies and Gents, may I present tonight's dinner. 


I know what you are thinking "Why, I didn't know you liked zucchini!"  NEITHER DID I!  If you press your face against the computer, you'll see not only is there is zucchini, but also some sort of yellow squash that I don't know the name of, and there a bit of tomato and chicken in there too.  I just heated up some olive oil, added a bit of onion and garlic, threw the other veggies and the chicken in there, added a pinch of Maggi chicken bouillon and BOOM! Yumminess achieved.  (Why Maggi? Because I'm Teutonic that way. Maggi rocks.) 

Arkansas has been a wealth of new experience for me,  screaming peacocks, Nascar crock pots, and zucchini.  

As for tomorrow, who knows - I'm going to Walmart. 





Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Barefoot In The Park

In the city I liked walking  my guy in the park across the street. I always felt I was lucky to have it there, and I was. It was a great place. 

I love walking my guy  in the parks here, but the parks are a little different.  Since I plan on hitting the lotto big this weekend, I thought it best that we get tickets. My mother also advised me to get the local paper on Wednesday because Walmart will honor all sales.  we saved $4 on our strawberry  purchases last week, because Aldi had a sale.( I have learned that Aldi has the best prices on fruit.)   So I went "in town"  and on the way home we stopped at my Mom's State Park . I should say that it's not really named after my Mom, it's just the park that is closer to her house than mine. 


She lives closer to the lake. 

This is my  park. 




I live by the river. That's the path we walk on every day. Ask me again why I love it here. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Did I mention...

... that my Mom lives 10 minutes away? 

I'm looking at this also as a chance to "get right" with her. Not that there is anything truly wrong with our relationship, I just want to be a better daughter. She can be tough on me,  and I do get my feelings hurt when we talk - but I am learning that is because she is, shall we say "plain spoken" and I am extremely sensitive. Like so many things it is how I choose to react that matters. 

We've had a few bonding experiences. We call then garage sales.  I left a lot behind,  and a lot needs to be replaced. Like my beloved crock pot. We shant  speak of Swampy. 

I got this at an estate sale.  


$8 and it steams shit.

After further inspection, my mother began to covet my new steaming crock pot. She stroked it lovingly. She peeled off the price tag and told me  how it was a good deal and had she seen it first, she would have gotten it.  Garage sale-ing in these parts  is apparently a competitive sport, and the only blood that matters, is the blood that is spilled on the way to the check out table.    She asked me if I would trade it for her crock pot.

This is the woman that found my little home in the wilderness, and cooks extra sausage for Dash at dinner, how could I say no?  I was willing to go in blind, but Mom insisted that I see it before  the deal was made.

Sunday I packed up for dinner with the parents, and I brought my cool steaming crock pot to my parents house.

This is what she wanted to trade


Okay, let's wrap our heads around the fact that NASCAR crock pots exist.  And apparently this is   Richard Petty crock pot. The king of racing  and crocking.  I wondered, " Am I ready to own a freaking NASCAR crock pot, no matter how kingly it is."

Thankfully my Dad stepped in The King would not be leaving the house.

On the way home I tried to decide what the best part of my day was, the discovery that there were NASCAR crock pots, that I almost owned one, or that it was so treasured that it wasn't allowed out of the house.

Honestly, I think it was when I took a picture of The King ( and really shouldn't it be an ELVIS crock pot? Which I would gladly own.)  My Mom screeched "Why are you taking a picture? YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF IT ON THE INTERNETS."

Yes, Mom. Yes, I am.





... and then she moved to the country

...because her life in the city was making her sad. 

I've always maintained that life is like a Cher song, people can be divided into three categories  gypsies, tramps, and thieves.  I'm a gypsy - and in true gypsy fashion, I packed up and left when it was time to go.  I know it seems rash to some, but for me, it was the right decision.  

After a 11 hour drive,  I'm home. I've achieved what all southern girls aspire to, I am trailer trash. 


It's kind of adorable inside. 

Here's the backyard 


Did I mention I live in the forest? The only thing that's missing are 7 dwarfs - and a really hot Huntsman that bares more then a passing resemblance to Thor, the God of Thunder.  Although, to be honest, I prefer Latin waiters, which are few and far between in these parts. 

Here is the front yard. 


Kinda awesome, no? It's as peaceful as it looks. There's a heavy deer population, and I'm getting to know three of them personally.  There is a doe with a spot on her hindquarter that stops by regularly and quite honestly, she's a peeper.  She's always looking in my office window.  There are also two bucks, with velvet still on their antlers that hang out here often. They are not near as  interested in me as the doe is. Also, there's a peacock that lives on the edge of the forest and spends a lot of time in the yard next to mine. Did you know a peacock's call sounds  exactly like a woman screaming? I found that out at midnight. For the first few nights I would lay in bed and I would pray "please let that be the peacock... please let that be the peacock..."

 I'm making an active effort to keep my life as simple as possible. No facebook, no twitter, only this here blog, and it's working out for me. 

  I'm eating better, lots of fruits and veggies. I've made a few discoveries. For example,  I kinda like zucchini.  It's not my favorite veggie,  that would be the Lima bean, or butter lettuce, but zucchini  is not the horrible squash I thought it was. Fruits have always been easier because fruits are nature's candy, and I love candy.  I will say that there does seem to be a Snow White thing going on, as I have received 14 apples from kindly older women in the past week. 

 I'm writing more. I think I'm writing better. I'm exploring different types of writing - which might be bad, but trying something new is always good. 

I'm giving the first two weeks in Arkansas five stars.